What kind of man are you going to be?

At first I was going to address this piece only to the trans guys in our community, but then I realised that I experience this kind of sexism at the hands/eyes/unconscious of many queers. I don’t think sexism is 100% determined by your gender, and I feel just as excluded/alienated/stared-at-in-queer-parties by other women, gender queers, dykes and lesbians for the way I present. I feel just as unsupported by them, and also question how much they really would be there for me, a feminine woman, when I need them.

What kind of man are you going to be? Are you going to support me when I am harassed, or are you just going to stand idly by and let it happen? These were the questions yelled out by a friend into the late Summer night. We were sitting by the fountain at Alexanderplatz, bitching loudly about the femmephobia of the Berlin queer scene. A couple of wandering men approached us, seeing us as easy targets. We got rid of them quickly, loudly, aggressively. They seemed surprised.

My friend had just finished telling me about an incident in which she was harassed in a Berlin squat bar, and then blamed by other guests of the queer feminist party for ‘causing a fuss’ when forcibly evicting the harasser. Both of us were deeply frustrated with the failure of our fellow queers to support us when we are threatened. We felt that there was a hierarchy in the queer scene, which placed transmasculinities at the top, forcing transfemininities to the bottom.

Another friend of mine said that the queer trans men in Australia are much better at questioning the privilege their masculinity gives them in this sexist world. I know, of course, there are tonnes of lovely feminist men, trans and cis, out there who question male privilege. But, in general, Berlin doesn’t seem to be doing too well on that point. When queer masculinities are celebrated as the epitome of queer eroticism, when transmasculine queers takes up so much space in our bars and parties and forget to step aside for me, making me squeeze around the edges, then there is a problem.

(Why should they step aside, you ask? Because this world is really sexist. Because in every space I move in, on the street, in bars, in shops, discussion groups I am expected to step aside and make space for men. To give them priority, first word, right of passage. To automatically put them first and myself second. And I fucking refuse to do this in our queer spaces too.)

There is a tendency to self-satisfaction in this small community. We seem to think sexism doesn’t happen here. We are queer feminists, dude, we are so radical! But of course the patriarchy gets in here. It gets in everywhere. And even among self-declared feminists, masculinity is being celebrated at femininities’ cost.

I don’t think misogyny is inherent to masculinity. I don’t think that being a man or a masculine person makes you automatically more sexist than, say, a feminine woman. But I do think men are socialised to believe in their superiority. There is a lot of power that comes with taking up male space. And with that power comes responsibility. How are you going to use your agency? Are you going to help carve out a space in which femininities can also be respected? Or are you going to take advantage of your power, which always comes at femininities’ cost, and perpetuate the sexist status quo?

I think I have said this, like, a million times. Hell, I’ve written a whole thesis on it. Masculinity and femininity don’t have to be played off each other, like cheap adversaries; femininity the Tybalt to our lovely queer Romeo. In order to celebrate transmasculinity, you don’t have to reject me. You can celebrate muscles and ties and sexy bois at the same time as loving colourful feathers and cleavages and feminine flirtation.

Man, I get all into my queer utopias when I start imagining alternative definitions of masculinity and femininity, maleness and femaleness, ones that don’t involve us saying one is bad in order to make the other seem good. Eat your heart out José Muñoz! Will masculinity and femininity, men and women still exist in this non-sexist utopia? Or will these identities automatically be destroyed when we break down sexist boundaries? Man, I hope not, or my whole erotic identity will be buggered. God, I love that play on gender!

It is right to celebrate transmasculinity and recognising its right to be celebrated at a time when medically transitioning is only just becoming possible. But there is a fine line between celebrating and fetishising. And when the sexist behaviour of individuals and groups is ignored and allowed because trans men can do no wrong, they are the epitome of the oppressed, the superqueers, then fetishisation is happening. I think that a lot of the dynamics I see happening here in Berlin are unconscious. I don’t think people are deliberately trying to exclude femmes or trans women or make us feel unwelcome. But that is exactly what is happening because there is an unexamined idolisation of transmasculinity.

So, I would like to address this question to all transmasculine queers in our community. It’s not only what kind of man are you going to be, but also what kind of queer, dyke, butch, boi, genderqueer…? Are you going to question your masculine privilege in our queer society or are you going to embrace it and take advantage of it at feminine women’s expense?

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8 thoughts on “What kind of man are you going to be?

    1. Lipstick Terrorist

      I think there is a difference between having a fetish (sexy) and fetishising meaning an unthinking act of idolisation. The way I use it here takes it away from its kinky meaning a bit.

  1. Pingback: Why fetishizing trans men is offensive « Diary of a Lipstick Terrorist

  2. I identify as trans-man and I am very appreciative that you wrote this piece. I have been concerned about fetishizing because I myself have been the target of some dirty talk over my masculinity.

    I was however, unaware that even though I am trans*, I am still in a privileged position. It hurts to think that I may have perpetuated the issues you have laid forth here, and I appreciate that. I’ll be sure to help create a space for trans-women in the future. Thanks.

      1. I was going to ask this, but I couldn’t find a private venue in which to do so. May I have permission to link to this page on your sight? I feel that you bring up an often overlooked facet of the trans community and would like to speak about it on my blog as an awareness piece, not just for simply the oppressed amongst the trans community but all oppressed groups in society. Thank you for your time. Also, if I do have permission, do you have any preferences or topics you would like me to touch on?

  3. Bitransman

    I’m a bi trans man in a relationship with a feminine bi cis man. My issue is that queer spaces are inherently divided into “gay cis men and cis male drag queen spaces”, where I am unwelcome because I am a trans man, and “cis women, trans women, and non binary afab folks” where: 1. I am not regarded as really a man, and have my ass kissed in an icky way until I reveal that I date a cis man, 2. My fem cis boyfriend is treated like shit, and is the only amab person at the event who is not a (trans) woman, and 3. Trans women are made to feel unwelcome, albeit in sometimes more passive aggressive ways. Imo this problem can be solved if the queer scene was not divided into two never the twain shall meet subscenes that make many of us who aren’t either cis gay men or straight trans men or transmasculine lesbians (or their girlfriends) feel uncomfortable. But for that to happen, 1. Gay cis men need to stop looking down at all other queers, and 2. Trans men need to be recognized as men who can be gay, bi, or asexual rather than seen as “just a more manly lesbian”.

    1. Lipstick Terrorist

      Hey, thanks for the comment. I pretty much agree with your assessment of the queer scene. It would be nice if the queer scene were more united, and maybe that would allow for more inclusion of trans men and trans women. I just don’t see the cis gay men loving hanging out with the dyke crowd, but maybe there is hope…

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